MINNEAPOLIS, MN—The Minneapolis City Council has voted
unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceful
protestors.
“It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is
acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council’s agenda,” said
Councilperson Maria Saliva. “With looting passports, protestors can know when
it’s OK to loot stores and destroy businesses in the name of social justice.”
Looting passports could not come at a better time, as eight
months have passed since looting was in vogue, and many peaceful protestors are
in dire need of updated name-brand clothing and bigger TVs.
When asked whether he believed looting passports could be
seen as unfairly punishing honest business owners, President Biden replied,
“Well, you can’t swat a cow gator without priming the barrel bark, which
gobbles up the huffles for good ol’ spazamaturble. You know?”
At press time, the City Council was discussing the logistics
of distributing the passports based on a citizen’s melanin levels.
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